Stupid Girl

Lynda here. So let me start by saying HAPPY BIRTHDAY, KARA!!!! Here I sit again at Kara's dining room table. In all honesty, this is rare - Kara and I don't usually hang out this much. But because it is her birthday and because she is borrowing my computer cord while she waits for her new one, I am currently here. Not like I really have anywhere else to be.

So tomorrow night we are going out to celebrate Kara's birthday. She has designated it "Cougar Night." No ideas what it means to dress like a cougar, but I guess I will figure that one out. Let's just say I'm not super excited about going out. Something I find is usually fun in theory but not practice. I always feel so out of place. I'm the fat girl. The girl who doesn't always have enough room to get into the car without hitting the one next to it and the girl who has to sit in the front seat when the car is full because there is more room. I'm the girl whose thigh is touching yours on the airplane and the girl everyone says has "such a pretty face."

You think I choose to be this way? Yes, I choose to wake up every morning and think every girl that walks by me is better than me. I choose to stare at my closet for hours, hating myself because half the clothes don't fit anymore. I chose to take that damn medication and gain fifty lbs because without it - there is a good chance I would not have gotten well if I hadn't. But you don't see that truth when you judge me. You don't see that I had to make a choice - my life or my body and I chose my life. All you see is that fat girl with the pretty face.

Am I going out tomorrow? Yes. Why, you are probably asking yourself. The answer is simple - our blog is about changing yourself. It is about confronting those demons to become a better version of yourself. There is of course a chance I will wake up tomorrow feeling confident and beautiful and have a blast.

I know what I have to do to lose weight but the food numbs you. It makes you so you can't feel the badness inside of you. You hate yourself for eating those cookies. But for a minute in time, those cookies make you not feel the hurt and the pain.

What have I done today to become a lady? Well I didn't do my hair. Maybe tomorrow. I haven't shaved my legs or naired my lip. But I did do my make up. And I did have a cute Banana Republic shirt on, even if it was hidden beneath my redskins fleece. And I moisturized and ate a salad for lunch. It was basically the only healthy thing I ate all day, but it tasted decent. After dinner with Kara the other night, I have found I really like raw spinach.

I've really contemplated whether or not to say these things. But the bottom line is this - if we are serious about this blog, it means letting you see the real us. To see our struggles and fears. And this blog, this feeling of inadequacy about sums up my life. I have survived 9 years of school post high school. I have a Ph.D. and a job at one of the most prestigious research institutes in the world. Yet, everyday I wake up wishing I could be that perfect girl I see in my head. Everyday I wonder if everyone will see that I am a fake. Stupid girl.